I made this record while I was pregnant with my first child.
It is the first one I ever made where I didn't feel the stifling paralysis of fearing that you might not like or understand it.
Of course, we all want our music to be liked and understood.
But first and foremost, I hope it is as true to my own experience as I believe it to be. Literally, a record of it.
The unexpected part about becoming a mother - I discovered - was that my identity, as I have always known it, is neither finite nor fragile. Butterflies are a lovely feeling. Vibrant and exciting. But as I sat down to record the first note, I noticed the space in my belly - already occupied by a whole living person- suddenly being swamped with moths instead - dank, nervous and foreboding. I, like so many artists, have lived with the fear of judgement since forever.
It is so hard to stay tender & true-hearted in a world so ready to mock and dismantle. It is so easy to kill an empath. In that moment, I decided that it was no longer a matter of industry that my body would be relentlessly flooded with the stress hormones; as a result of the feelings triggered by the thought, "Am I enough?". It was no longer ok that what should be a joyful outlet instead be virtual trauma. Certainly not while my unborn daughter was housed inside. (How was it that I had kept myself caged in there for so many years…?)
Music is the only calling I have ever known. And yet in that moment, I was ready to give it all up before holding her a second longer in that prison. For the first time in my life, I actually let it all go - all of its perceived monumental importance. It all just - dissolved.
After all, if my own Art does not heal or soothe me in some way, then have I not entirely unwoven its original and highest purpose ?
With that, I felt that age-old crippling Fear start to fall from my shoulders and drop to the floor like last season's winter coat. And I resolved to become progressively lighter even as the world gets darker.
I made this record in the absence of Fear. It's gift to me was the begining of learning how to treat my inner Empath with the very same care with which I treat my own child.
And while it is no longer the primary goal, I sincerely you hope you love it too.